Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Down in the duldrums...

So this last couple of weeks have hit me like a ton of bricks. I have hit the briefing stage. I am going to b completely honest on this blog so here it goes. I was warned about the depression, the anxiety,the extreme sadness. The grief. But for me I knew I was strong. Why would that happen to me? I have always faced my challenges head on cried about then was over it. I do everything the best I can and I slightly a perfectionist. For example, I have rose bushes in m front yard. I prune them multiple times a week so they form into perfect bushes. When I decorate a Christmas tree the ornaments have to be equally spaced. Yes my friends and family including me joke about my weird quarks. But with all the hardships I have always found strength to go on or detract myself with a project. I do lots and lots of projects. I have struggled with depression off and on and especially post pardom depression. I have always pulled through. This is different. Different than anything I have ever experienced.

I have felt hopeless complete dispare and just the loss of drive to continue one. Don't stop reading now and put me in a crazy house.... I realize I am at the stage of grief. I started with denial. I didn't really have time to think fully what really happend. Not with all the drs. Hospital stays etc. now that things have calmed down I have started to grieve. COMPLETELY normal. Still at times I feel defeated buti have to move on cry my eyes out and grasp for the hope and know everything will work out the way it is suppose to. I have realized I can't do this at all and no one should. I am starting therapy and scouting out a transplant support group. I am not alone.

Today came a phone call I never expected. Something I needed.

Hope.

My surgeon found a possible match! And I'm not even on the list yet. (I have one more transplant class left to take) tomorrow I go to take a one on one class with my coordinator. Then blood test. Then we cross our fingers. Now this is a LIVE donor. A good Samaritan donor. A person that comes into the center and wants the donate just because they want to. Can you believe. This gave me hope. Gave me the boost I needed to move on. As much as feel so sick all the time. I can do this. I can be positive and keep trying. Now this whole new situation that is going down tomorrow is a 50/50 shot. It could work or it might not and this is what transplant is all about. Ups and downs. I will go into with a heart with my glass being half full.

My glass is half full.....
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3 comments:

  1. Swilor FamilyNovember 30, 2011 at 9:16 PM

    Wow! That is amazing that you already have a possible match! God is so good, all the time! Praying that this is a perfect match for you! That God will comfort you and take away your pain physically and emotionally. That He will bring you and your family peace and comfort in Him. He promises that He has a plan for us and that it is GOOD. No matter what. Trust that he has this all worked out. He already knows the outcome. I love you and your cute little family. You are in our prayers. Thanks for the updates.

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  2. TaunyaNovember 30, 2011 at 9:23 PM

    I will definitely cross my fingers for you and always keep you in my prayers! If not this donor though, there will be another and you will have your new kidney. And someday, this part, (probably the hardest part you'll have to go through) will be in your distant past. XOXO to you, Chris and the girls.

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  3. JanieDecember 1, 2011 at 8:31 PM

    Crystal, I'm happy to hear about your chance. Although I don't know completely what you are feeling, I do know that each of us have to go through times and situations which try us to the very core of who we are. Times that help us to turn to our Heavenly Father and really gain a deeper understanding of the Atonement. I KNOW that He is aware of you, that He loves you. I also know that there are angels surrounding us and ministering to us. I'm pretty sure your Great Aunt Fern is probably telling all those that she can "you can do something". I know there are angels with you to help you. We will be fasting and praying for you this weekend. I love you.

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