Christmas miracles

dear future kidney donor,


I am so grateful for your choice to donate and give me back my life. There aren't words to express the gratitude and love I have for my future donor. I will be able to LIVE my life again. Be a mom and a wife to my husband. From the bottom of my heart thank you.

I still don't have a new kidney but hey I can write a letter just for therapy reasons. The holiday season is almost over and i am so grateful for the time i have been able to spend with family and friends. I cherish every minute i have with my kids and husband. I make time to everything with them when before i would be "too busy" to read a book to avery, or I would put it off cause i was cleaning. Now i just try to do as much as I can with them. read play games cuddle and watch movies. I am so very lucky that i have more time with them. That my life was spared and i can be a mom.

Lately I have definately been a little sad up and downs scared of what the future holds. Scared to eventually have another surgery when the last i almost died. i worry my new kidney i will reject. i have many fears. but i have to just keep the faith and have positive thoughts about the whole thing. i can't give in to my worries. i have started doing positive affermations. say them out start to believe it. We will see how it goes.

I am starting to get a little more use to dialysis which is great. I have a bit more energy and i am starting to do a bit of exercise (dance central 2 on the kinects) me and ave jam out and dance around. I am not as nauseated as much anymore. so pretty much i am having more good days then bad hurray!

Christmas was absolutely amazing this year. We were blessed with some secret santas that made my kids just beam with excitement on christmas morning. I am so grateful for people with such giving hearts. It is truly a blessing and we are surrounded with so much love. It gives me hope for a better tomorrow and inspires me to be more giving of myself.

Waiting waitng some more

Today I said goodbye to my girls with tears inmy eyes. They are sick with colds so they are staying with family until I find out about the transplant. I can't get sick or I won't be able to accept the donor. I spent the morning in my transplant class and on the phone most of the day with the IMC transplant center trying to coordinate the authorization with Medicaid. I still haven't heard anything back one way or the other.

I can't even believe this transplant can take place as soon as tuesday! Its truly a miracle. A special woman walked into the center wanting to give the gift of a kidney. For no reason. Just to do some good in the world. I have not met her I don't know her name. But if this works she will give me the gift of life. She will give my two sweet girls her mom back. Chris will have his wife back. I will be able to live again. Healthy and strong.

Now we wait. We wait to see of everything falls into place. It is feeling like an eternity. But I have to remember to have patience and hope. Things will happen as they are suppose to. And if not this kidney there will be another. I have to have faith. Until tomorrow. Let's keep our fingers crossed.

Down in the duldrums...

So this last couple of weeks have hit me like a ton of bricks. I have hit the briefing stage. I am going to b completely honest on this blog so here it goes. I was warned about the depression, the anxiety,the extreme sadness. The grief. But for me I knew I was strong. Why would that happen to me? I have always faced my challenges head on cried about then was over it. I do everything the best I can and I slightly a perfectionist. For example, I have rose bushes in m front yard. I prune them multiple times a week so they form into perfect bushes. When I decorate a Christmas tree the ornaments have to be equally spaced. Yes my friends and family including me joke about my weird quarks. But with all the hardships I have always found strength to go on or detract myself with a project. I do lots and lots of projects. I have struggled with depression off and on and especially post pardom depression. I have always pulled through. This is different. Different than anything I have ever experienced.

I have felt hopeless complete dispare and just the loss of drive to continue one. Don't stop reading now and put me in a crazy house.... I realize I am at the stage of grief. I started with denial. I didn't really have time to think fully what really happend. Not with all the drs. Hospital stays etc. now that things have calmed down I have started to grieve. COMPLETELY normal. Still at times I feel defeated buti have to move on cry my eyes out and grasp for the hope and know everything will work out the way it is suppose to. I have realized I can't do this at all and no one should. I am starting therapy and scouting out a transplant support group. I am not alone.

Today came a phone call I never expected. Something I needed.

Hope.

My surgeon found a possible match! And I'm not even on the list yet. (I have one more transplant class left to take) tomorrow I go to take a one on one class with my coordinator. Then blood test. Then we cross our fingers. Now this is a LIVE donor. A good Samaritan donor. A person that comes into the center and wants the donate just because they want to. Can you believe. This gave me hope. Gave me the boost I needed to move on. As much as feel so sick all the time. I can do this. I can be positive and keep trying. Now this whole new situation that is going down tomorrow is a 50/50 shot. It could work or it might not and this is what transplant is all about. Ups and downs. I will go into with a heart with my glass being half full.

My glass is half full.....

Six weeks and counting

I guess I really haven't kept up on this blogging thing. It's been hard to dig deep and express my feelings. I guess I try not to think of it so i don't completely lose it. It's been six weeks since the day my life changed forever. Six weeks since my family thought they lost me. Six weeks of learning how to deal with my new way of living.

On the plus side:

I can walk for the most part without help.
I can feed myself and don't have a feeding tube
I can be at home with my family and my beautiful girls
I can somewhat bath on my own well sponge bath
I'm on the right track to get on the transplant list.
I am grateful for dialysis so I can live long enough to get a transplant
I am gratefful for those jazzy scooters in stores when I'm not strong enough to walk
I love anti nausea meds and benydryl
I love that although my insicion is still quite huge and open it looks amazingly well and smaller than before

On the down side:
I feel completely not in control of my health or life
I feel miserably sick 90% of the time. High blood pressure weekness puking my guts out and no food sounding good to eat
I have a huge fear my new kidney won't take
I have a huge realization I will probably have to have another transplant when I'm older
I don't look so much like I did before puffy and swollen
I will be on a whole lot of meds forever and ever

Dialysis:
I don't know how much you know about dialysis; but is sucks big time. Yes I know its enabling me to be alive. Dialysis is tough and slightly depressing. You go to a larger room with chairs circling the entire room. It smells of bleach and is lite with florescent lighting. The room is filled with old sickly people. I am the youngest. and one of the only women. I go Mon Wed Fri every week and have to be hooked up for 3 1/2 hours. In a chair. and yes I have terrible anxiety and it makes me feel claustrophobic. The good part it the chairs are heated which is a good thing because one of the effects I have with dialysis is I am FREEZING COLD! The first few times I had it i shook uncontrollably the whole time. I have really weird side effects from dialysis. Everyone is different. I get extremely tired, extreme nausea and vomiting, high blood pressure. My catheter site the skin got irritated so I had extreme itching and a rash. A lot of the time my entire body itches so badly i can barely stand it. Others times I have no side effects at all. So weird and so random. So i give thanks to the good days which slowly are becoming more frequent.


I have now done all I need to do to get registered on the kidney transplant list. I have ZERO antibodies which is the best possible score. Its truly a miracle because i have had two transfusions and two kiddos. Both affect your antibody levels. Now I have to wait for two more forms other doctors have to send in and find a donor match and then I get to have surgery again. I am terrified of having surgery again. I have started having major anxiety attacks. I have fear of going under and not waking up. I have fear of of having tubes down my throat. I have nightmares still about having the breathing machine hooked up to me for days and slightly being awake to feel like you can't breath and the pain of plastic going down your throat. Not being able to talk and tell people how scared and how confused you are. Its just horrible. I think I may need to find a fellow transplant friend...anyone know any?

Now the waiting..And as you know me I am a very impatient person so this is definitely teaching me a good skill. I can only picture when day comes when I can quite my part time job at dialysis and actually play with my kids again. and the LIVE my life to the fullest!


Now that I have that off my chest....I feel better. I just need to keep remembering I am blessed to be alive even if it's not to fun living through it right now. This will pass I will feel better. I have my life. I am blessed with all those that know me and me and even ones that have never met me with all the strength love and courage they have given me.

I'm ALIVE!!!!

This is kinda hard to type with slow reflexes but my strength is slowly improving everyday. So bear with me.

So the morning of my surgery we woke up bright and early to get to intermountain Medical Center I was terrified yet calm at the same time too. There were a ton of people in the waiting area to go to your pre op room. it seemed like it was taking FOREVER! and there was this poor lady coughing to death the entire time. We got back and eventually got to my or room. Me and Chris wanted to talk to my surgeon but for some reason had to say goodbye tearing up and feeling a pit it my stomach. Then they brought me back to the room so we both talk to my surgeon. Then our goodbyes again. I told my anesthesiologist to write down the funny things I say right before I go out. (i don't think he did LOL). Then things changed....

I almost died.

My surgeon was worried.

And the next few days I was in and out of consciousness.

I would fade in hearing my daughters say "mommy!" they were not there.

I felt like I was in a different world. A world where u could hear or imagine anything.

I felt a touch on my leg.

A whisper, " crystal! "

Music playing.

I would awake wondering why my arms were bound and I couldn't move or talk. I tried to write but scribbles just came out. So I would tap the side of my bed confused and in a new world that felt like the only thing keeping me here were the ties that held me to my bed. Slowly I was taken out of sedation my breathing tube was takin out.

I was awake.
And I still didn't know what had happened. Did something go wrong? The next few days things got clearer and clearer.

I awoke and my body function does not work. I could not move my arms I could move my legs. Just cement. My throat hurt my whole entire body hurt. I had cords and drains and wires coming from everywhere. My throat.....oh still one more tub down my nose.

Chris...? What's going on.?

Um crystal...... (silence)....

You lost your kidney.

Tomorrow is the big day!

Ok so I have totally been on the verge of puking all day because I am so nervous! I have pretty much gotten all the things done I needed to before tomorrow though which is good. I have never been so terrified in my life. Well maybe on the ride splash mountain... Happy singing woodland animals and BAM huge drop off. Stomach in your throat and butterflies in your tummy. Or you know that feeling you use to get when you snuck out of your room at night and then you got caught... Well thats how I feel. Tomorrow is the day I get the ticking time bomb of an aneurysm taken out of my body! But i will definitely be left with a battle wound. I googled it.. FYI don't google the surgery you are having....


CRYSTAL TOP TEN LIST OF SCAREDNESS

This is a list of all my fears about tomorrow.. ( I am doing this purely for therapeutic therapy)

1- going into the operating room and saying something stupid and they put me under
2-pooping my pants during surgery (six hours is a LONG time)
3-being under for six hours
4-waking up in the middle of surgery.. It is close to Halloween
5-having someones hands inside my body pushing around my organs
6-my kidney physically being taking out of my body (what is someone drops it on the floor....and what kind of ice are they putting it on to keep it fresh)
7-waking up from surgery
8-sneezing while i have this wound
9-the catheter I will have all week and the fact that I will have a pee bag on the side of the bed where visitors can see my pee!
10- And last but not least what if my belly button is deformed after the huge incision heals....

GREAT NEWS!

Just found out I am APPROVED for surgery on Friday! WOOT! I can't even believe it. with two days to spare! I am so relieved and happy to get this aneurysm fixed and move on with life with my two beautiful girls and amazing husband!

Longes week of my life.

Two days until my scheduled surgery and still no word on if my insurance is going to authorize it. Confusion? It has been a month since my Dr. submitted it.

With better news...Me and my amazing friend from Sweet Basil went to two potential venues on the charity event the Utah Food Bloggers with be putting on for me. I feel so blessed to have such support from my friends, family, and community. We have another appointment on thursday for another venue. So excited!

I also contacted the utah kidney foundation to get them involved as much as possible and I am officially signing up to be an organ donor! I believe in the gift of life and if I CHOOSE to be a donor! After all the health problems I have had and the chance of potentially needed a donated kidney. I would be proud to be able to do the same!


So the question is masquerade dinner ball? or a more boutique style event with snacks?

Nerves on End

My nerves feel raw as the time of surgery approaches. I have kept myself VERY busy that last couple of weeks. With project after project. Made some Halloween costumes, helped my grandma all week pack up and organize her home so they could move to California. (so sad) I have cleaned and organized closets, cabinets, food, and more. You would think I was nesting just before the birth of a baby or something. Yes I haven't had time to think about much more than projects. But tonight I am a little scared. I got word from my surgeon that my surgery was being rushed as fast as it could through the authorization process. The last thing is having Medicaids Dr. go through my info and authorize it. Hopefully that happens this week so I don't have to reschedule again. So we are just waiting and spending time together as a family as much as we can.

A little update

Just a quick update (this is crystal by the way) My surgery had to be rescheduled because medicaid has not approved it yet. It has been several weeks and no approval......Kinda frustrated since I almost had a nervous breakdown the week before the first surgery date was scheduled. Now it is set for the 30th of Sept. As we get closer and closer to that date I get more and more stressed that the surgery won't be "authorized" yet. And then we are in October and I paid a high spenddown with borrowed money for nothing. Can you tell I'm a little frustrated? I just don't get the long wait. Medicaid usually only take several days to give the go ahead with surgery. Don't they get that the longer we wait the more risk there is to my aneurysm rupturing and me bleeding to death..... Anyways now that I was able to vent. My sweet husband set up a facebook page for me. Its called Crystal's Kidney. Go on over and like the page! Until next time see ya!

Crystal's Kidney!!

Ok, so the Facebook page and the Zions Bank Charity account are now in full swing. If you would like to donate money you may do so at any Zions bank branch. Just go in and request to make a deposit into Crystal Hadlock's Donations account.
Thanks!
now go check out and 'like' the Facebook page!

The next step & Luck of the Irish....

The truth is I am lucky to be typing here living and breathing. I am lucky I still get to hold my kids, to love my husband and LIVE. I have decided my motto is Luck of the Irish. Yes my grandma is full irish her maiden name being Mahoney, and yes my other grandma is Irish with her maiden name being Flaherty. It is where I get my green eyes freckled skin and my fireery temper. I am a stubborn Irish girl. Hence the Luck of the Irish!

Its been a long time coming but I'm finally scheduled for my auto-transplant. Exciting yet terrifying! the surgery is scheduled for money Sept. 12. I have had another ultrasound to make sure my renal artery aneurysm hasn't grown. Luckily is hasn't changed which ment I could wait to figure out the whole insurance problem. No insurance will not take me for my pre-existing condition. So we applied for Medicaid and finally we were accepted. It is very expensive to pay the spend down every month but it will still be more cost effective than paying the hundreds of thousands of dollars it would cost without insurance. We are still waiting to hear back if medicaid will even cover it because it requires "approval" after my surgeon summits the request to do the surgery.

I feel very lucky to have happened to stumble upon my aneurysm before it could have potentially ruptured. Now I just have to get through my surgery. I am petrified for Monday. I have never been so emotional and scared in my life. I will be in the ICU for a couple of days after the surgery. So I won't be able to see my kiddos. SO SAD, because I will probably want to see them right when I wake up from the surgery. But I will be taken care of and push through this trial! Goodbye until after the surgery wish me luck!

The misadventures of the Hadlocks!

Tonight was such a fun family night out and really helped me to chill out and forget about things for a while! Chris's awesome boss got his employees tickets to the PG carnival. The girls had so much fun riding rides together it just melted my heart to see them have so much fun together! I just love them so much and just LOVE seeing them grow up and experience thing TOGETHER.

Chris went back to work after so he would have a silent place to study for his Biology test tomorrow and I cam home to put the kiddos to bed and start the two pork roasts for my mom-in-laws retirement/birthday party. It was quite interesting making the roast. I have this issue with handling meat. I am on the verge of becoming a vegetarian because I HATE DISLIKE DESPISE touching raw meat and picturing this cute little animal! I have come along way and can barely touch chicken without cringing and making meat loaf doesn't make me dry heave anymore. But tonight was rough.....Two HUGE pork roasts.....And two somewhat easy directions. 1-Rub the roast with salt. 2- rub with roast with liquid smoke...WHAT! rub the roast!!!! I held my breath and barely made it! I about lost it when i touched the bone(which I didn't know was still there!!) My stomach feels a little week but hopefully tomorrow our house will be filled with a yummy aroma and I will get the guts to try the sweet little pigs I just put in the crock pot.

On another note. My surgeons office called today and set up another ultra sound to check and see if my aneurysm has grown at all. This will give me a HUGE feeling of relief. Its been about nine months since the last and everyday I just worry. I know I shouldn't and I really try not to but thats kinda hard to do all the time. So Tuesday is the day and we will see! Wish me luck!

Amazing people at IHC

Yesterday I had an appointment with my surgeon to ask our last question before I schedule my surgery. It confirmed how much I LOVE my surgeon. She is just amazing! We decided to walk over to the hospital where I will be having the surgery done to meet some people and figure out all the financial stuff. We talked to several people that were all some what confused on IHC "charitable" department. Which doesn't really exist I guess but IHC does do charitable surgeries and things. Anyways we ended up in the solid transplant center office. Once again they were somewhat confused on why I was there since I didn't need a donor. We had a name though and luckily this man was kind enough to speak with us. He then brought out the head transplant financial aid person. And she was amazing! We told them my situation and gave me some paperwork to fill out and bring back. A HUGE weight was lifted off my shoulders as I walked away. I know everything will work out. I don't know exactly how; but I just have a lot of peace.

Dr. Time

Had quite the scare yesterday. Starting having sharp pain where my kidney is. Pretty much thought my aneurysm was rupturing. Went and checked my blood pressure and it was elevated but not super high. Still way scary day for me. Luckily the pain dyed down after several hours. Maybe indigestion? lol! I am going to meet with my surgeon again to finalize any questions I have for her before I schedule my surgery. I also have an appointment with another vascular doctor and surgeon next week for two more opinions. Going to be a long next couple of weeks. I have been trying so hard not to really focus on the scariness of my aneurysm. Its hard not to think about it though. Its hard to forget you have a ticking time bomb that could go off any minute. Today I took the girls to the water park to try to distract me. It worked rather well until June almost drowned. I went straight to Target and bought her some floaties. Freaked me out! Well until next time!

This is so interesting

This article is so interesting and it shows how far medicine has come. I am going to take to my surgeon about this I believe this is not going to be an options since I need blood flow to work still through my vessel. Check out this ARTICLE!

The beginning of a long journey...

My name is Crystal. I am 27 years old and a mom to two beautiful girls and a wife to an amazing husband. I am an artist and love to express myself through photography. I have a love for life and love living it.

In August of 2010 my life was turned upside down. My mom, my kids and I were in a car accident. Ever since the accident i had been struggling with excruciating pain in my lower back, hip, and down my right leg. It was unbearable. I tried everything from chiropractic care, physical therapy, and cortisone shots. Little did I know all the pain I was having was a blessing in disguise.

My doctor ordered an MRI of my lower back because of all the pain nI was in and discovered by mistake, what looked like an aneurysm. I was told very little about what an aneurysm was and was assured it was probably a misreading and no matter what, not to look it up on the internet. Of course i looked it up, and realized if what they had seen was indeed an aneurysm, my life would become very different.

Next on my list was a CT scan. I nervously make it through another test and awaited another phone call from the doctor. The day came and sure enough they had not misread my MRI. I did have an aneurysm. I had the most rare type of aneurysm. (.01% chance of every getting this type of aneurysm) A renal artery aneurysm; and to top it off, it was on a vessel to the only kidney I was born with. This created a very unique and difficult problem.

There are several options I have to choose from. First is watch and wait; and monitor. To me this is a gamble with my life. At any moment no matter if I am exercising or sitting on the couch relaxing, my aneurysm could rupture and I would have 5-30 minutes to get to the hospital before I would internally bleed to death. If I was lucky and made it to the hospital I would have my only kidney removed and be put on dialysis and a kidney transplant waiting list. I fear everyday that this may happen while im alone or with my kids.

The next option we were told was to do embolization. I later found out this was not an option because my solitary kidney and the surgery would risk me loosing part of my kidney tissue and I would end up needing a kidney transplant down the road. Once again I want to preserve my life and lice until Im old and grey. I want to be there for my family and my children. And live life to the fullest. This was not the right option.

My last option is an auto transplant. This is where the surgeon wil take my kidney out, remove the aneurysm, and transplant my kidney back into my body. More evasive, more recovery, more scars... yet this option gives me the best long-term quality of life. This was the right decision.

Sounds like this story has a happy ending. But there is a twist...Last year my husband was laid off from his job. Good insurance, retirement, and a steady reliable income. My husband found a job relatively fast. Such a blessing; but his new job didn't have any benefits and it was half the income that we made before. We have made it work. Time are tough but we had each other and that's really all that matters. We are lucky because our kids have health coverage and my husband and I have preventative coverage. Now to a healthy family this would be perfect; but to a rare out of the ordinary family this does not cut it. My bills will estimate around 170,000.00. I have looked into buying individual insurance; but don't qualify because of my pre-exiting condition. I have looked into government help but we have been responsible and have to many assits. Even if we were to sell everything it still would not cover the cost. That leaves one option,save and hope for help. I firmly believe things happen for a reason. Either to teach use or others and to grow as a person. Life is about learning and growing and this is definitely once of those times I have to remember this.