Keeping Hope

I am sitting here at dialysis slightly nauseated, dizzy, and trying not to throw up. The whole throwing up thing is getting kind of old. I hate it. Sick of not having appitetite and not being able to eat my favorite foods. I have been really working on forcing myself to eat. I can't lose anymore weight. On the better side I am definitely more stable and my body is tolerating dialysis a bit better. I figured out if I'm on oxygen during treatment I don't get a migraine so that's pretty awesome. I have had another match since the last one that disnt work out. My sweet visiting teacher had been getting tested since November. It such a long process. It didnt work out. She went through a lot for me and I will always be grateful and have a special bond with her. I have two others that are getting tested for me and hopefully will find out soon if one will work. I only have a little over a month left on the blood thinners that means I will be back on the donor list and I will qualify to get my transplant. I know it will not "cure" me but hopefully I will be feeling a lot better and hav a more normal life. And no more dialysis!! I am definitely starting to get nervous for the transplant surgery. First I don't have a kidney yet. Second I am petrified of having another surgery. I don't want anything to go wrong. I have a huge fear of it. I don't want to die. I have to remind myself to stay positive to think positive and have faith that everything will be ok. I want my strength back. I want to be able to do the things I need to do and not always have to push my body to be able to do anything. I feel like my body can't keep up. With two kids and the responsibilities of being a mom and wife are hard for any healthy person. It's so frustrating for me. I can't always do what I need to do. I dread walking up the stairs or walking for that long at all. Or sitting for too long because e fluid in my body will collect in my legs and feet and cause swelling and pain. But I push through I do it because I want a normal life for my kids. It already kills me that my sweet girls know what dialysis is. I don't want them to see me sick I don't want them to worry. I am strong I'm strong for my girls.